It’s hard to believe that just a few years ago, I was a young, starry-eyed, idealistic girl who wanted to change the world with her written word. Fast-forward to the present and here I am, a cynical, unapologetically selfish, twenty one year old woman who cannot muster up enough energy to give a damn about anything. And when I say I don’t give a damn about anything, I don’t mean it in the cool, rock-star kinda way, where I look like I don’t give a damn but in reality, my hard exterior shell is hiding a sweet and sensitive nature. No. I am not sweet, neither am I sensitive. I have become a bitter husk of the person I used to be. I literally can’t get myself to care about anything or anyone.
Okay, maybe that’s wrong. I do care about one person. That’s me. Sometimes I think the reason I am not able to write nowadays is because I’m so selfish. Emotions that are so natural to normal people like love, anger, shame, grief, mourning and heartbreak seem elusive to me. I understand the hows, but not the whys of these feelings. As a writer, I am supposed to make every character believable, every thought and action of his/hers realistic. As a writer, I’m supposed to feel what these characters are feeling. But I am unable to. Therefore, every word I write rings false in my ears.
But I digress. My un-write-ablility is a story for another day. I wanted to talk about my Bangalore withdrawal.
I have never cared for the IT industry (yes, one of the many things I don’t care for). The thought of staring at a computer screen all day used to scare me to death when I was in high school. Then, ironically, a twist of fate landed me in an engineering college where I completed my B.Tech in IT. After four mind-numbing years, I got myself a job in an IT company (it doesn’t matter which company it is; they are all the same). For the sake of simplicity, this company will henceforth be referred to as XYZ India Ltd. XYZ decided that I had to complete one and a half months of training in Bangalore before I was assigned to a project. I, a Tamil girl who had never lived in a non-Tamil speaking city, packed my suitcases and moved to Bangalore.
And instantly fell in love. Bangalore was beautiful, modern and most of all, a far cry from the blistering heat of Tamil Nadu. There were people who spoke all sorts of languages in Bangalore – Tamil, Telegu, Malayalam, Kannada, Hindi. I never wanted to leave the city. Who cared if I was stuck in a stare-at-the-computer-all-day job? I was in heaven. What’s more, I even kinda, sorta developed a crush on one of my colleagues. I mean, sure, he was taken, but my bitter, bitter heart was overjoyed at the fact that it was still capable of having these kind of feelings. Then, XYZ gave me a project in Hyderabad.
I bid Bangalore a reluctant goodbye and moved to Hyderabad. Hot, hot Hyderabad which reminded me every minute of how much I missed the Bangalore weather. Walking to work in Bangalore was a cake. Here in Hyderabad, my ten minute walk to work feels like an hour and every day, when I reach my office, I am sweating so much I feel like I’ve run a marathon.
Today’s my 11th day in Hyderabad. In the past 10 days, in a bid to get rid of my Bangalore blues, or at least to lessen the intensity of it, I jumped head-first into a Veronica Mars marathon. I have to say, Veronica Mars has done me good. She kept my mind blissfully occupied and I only pined about Bangalore a couple of times. The Veronica Mars movie is getting downloaded as I write. Hopefully, that and the two seasons of Dead Like Me on my hard disk will get me through this weekend.