My Weakness

I love food. Food in any form. Soups, breads, biryani, pulao, curries, stir-fries, pastas, pizzas, burgers, fries, cakes, cookies and any kind of desserts, parathas, rotis, papads, milkshakes, icecreams, tea, coffee, milk, even WATER. Yes, I admit it. I am a foodie through and through. In fact, I believe everyone in my family is a foodie – my obese father who constantly criticizes my mother’s cooking, my timid mother who spends the time spent not cooking, watching culinary shows on TV and my brother who would rather have a slight paunch than control his food habits. Growing up in a family like this, is it any wonder that I have a relationship with the food I eat?

When I am miserable, I cry into a bowl of creamy macaroni and cheese flavored with just a hint of garlic and topped with herbs and chili flakes. When I am ecstatic, I celebrate by baking my world famous (okay, famous within my family) double chocolate brownies. Yes, I am that girl from Mean Girls – the girl who eats her feelings. On most days, I look fairly normal – not fat, not skinny. But there are days when my feelings run amok. On those days, my hands constantly reach for the fattiest food items that I can find and stuff into my mouth.

Last week, during all seven days, my feelings were running amok due to some personal stuff (which I will share on my blog later, if I feel like it). And now I’ve gained a few kilos which, trust me, look like a few dozen kilos on my small frame. So, starting today, I am going on a diet indefinitely until I feel like I’m skinny enough. Or until I get fed up with eating low fat food, which is more likely to happen.

When I diet, I don’t suddenly start avoiding the fattening foods like yogurt, chocolate, potato crisps, cheese, milk bread etc. I would if I could, but I can’t. Instead, I switch from normal fattening foods to less fattening foods – low-fat yogurt, sugarless chocolate, baked potato crisps, you get my drift.

So, I went on a little shopping trip to the local supermarket today to buy some dieting prerequisites – whole wheat crackers, baked chips and diet nutrition bars to snack on during hunger pangs, sugar-free natural fruit juice, fruits, whole wheat bread, low-fat yogurt, nuts, green tea etc. When I was cruising the canned foods aisle, next to a jar of canned apricots, I saw a familiar yellow-capped jar with pale brown contents. I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t help it. My hand reached for that jar of creamy peanut butter as if of its own volition. I told myself “You’re on a diet. Put it down right away.” But my traitorous hand wouldn’t let go of the jar. I stood in the middle of the aisle staring at the jar of peanut butter in my hand as if all the mysteries of the world were written on that sunny yellow label on the jar. My rich-food-starved mouth was already watering, anticipating the taste of that creamy, divine flavor on my tongue. After a couple more minutes of staring at the jar (which caused one of the salesgirls to look at me weirdly), I arrived at a compromise. I wouldn’t buy the big 450g jar. I would go for the smaller 330 g jar. Although I felt good about myself for not going for the bigger jar, I knew I would finish it off within two weeks and I would come back for more.

Yes, I might love all kinds of food, but my real weakness was the harmless sounding peanut butter. My self-control vanishes when peanut butter is around. It is like I am Jack Twist and PB is Ennis Del Mar, and I wish I knew how to quit it.

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Relationships are not for me

I’m starting to think I don’t have a single romantic bone in my body. I mean, I’m a girl, for God’s sake! I’m supposed to be graceful and gentle and loving and kind and patient, aren’t I? I’m supposed to get excited about the prospect of marriage, right? I’m supposed to be over the moon about having kids and raising them, right?

Oh, but I am not.

The idea of me having children is repulsive to me. I mean, I can’t even take care of myself. How can I be expected to take care of some other life? I’ll probably be a shitty parent. And I don’t want to be a shitty parent. Cause I have a shitty parent and I know how much it sucks growing up with one.

And don’t even get me started on boys. It’s been so fucking long since I’ve had a crush – at least three years I think. And when a guy does express some sort of interest in me, I run away. The thought of committing myself to a relationship scares me. Because I know I’m fickle. I know I change my mind faster than I change my nail color.

See, I’m no great and terrible beauty. But I can be considered cute in a petite sorta way. And guys seem to like petite-and-cute. Maybe they think petite-and-cute is harmless. Maybe they think petite-and-cute equals sweet-and-naive. I don’t know. I don’t pretend to understand guys. The truth is I am neither sweet nor naive. I care about no one but me. I am a cruel, selfish bitch.

For example, there is this incredibly sweet guy, let’s call him Sam, in my office who seems to like me. And although I don’t return the sentiment, I flirt with him. I know it is bitchy of me and I know I’ll never like him that way, but I still can’t help myself. I want him to like me that way. I’m fake-flirty not just with Sam, but with every guy who seems to be interested in me. I want every guy to want me, so I lead them on.

But.

There is another guy at my office, Sean. Ever since I met him, I’ve been having thoughts about giving this whole relationship thing a go. He is sweet, cute and seems like a good guy. But I don’t want to end up hurting him. I don’t want to toy with him while my interest lasts and then throw him away.

I wouldn’t say I have a crush on Sean. The word ‘crush’ brings to my mind the time I felt giddy and light-headed because that guy with the cute smile passed me in the hallway in my school. I don’t feel giddy when I’m around Sean. It’s been a while since I’ve felt giddy around anyone.

I’m intrigued by Sean. I wonder if I will start acting like a normal girl I get into a relationship with Sean. Because Sean seems like perfect boyfriend material. He is Cameron from 10 Things I Hate About You. He is Pete from Win A Date With Tad Hamilton. He is Cal from Crazy, Stupid Love. He is Tom Hansen from 500 Days of Summer.

Which is exactly why I should tread lightly. He is the archetypal nice guy and I don’t want to break his heart like Summer broke Tom’s.