Happy Women’s Day! (?)

It was 9 in the morning and I was deep in sleep when a barrage of messages popped up on my phone, one after the other, all of them wishing me a happy Women’s Day. And, all I could think was “Oh, joy.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, being a woman is not bad. But I honestly don’t think there is anything in my life worth celebrating. And I wanted to text back to those people who woke me up this morning with their pointless messages, “What is so great about being a woman that you want me to be happy about it?”

Which brings me to the question – Am I happy being a woman in India?

The answer, of course, is no. It is a huge understatement to say that equality has not been achieved in my country. This is true because of various reasons, not the least of which is the fact that gender roles in India are steeped so deeply in cultural and religious views. When it comes to women, India has always had more rigid parameters than the Western countries. I mean, the obviously evil practices of sati and child marriage weren’t abolished until after the British decided to colonize India. Western influence has been good for us in a way.

So, women are considered equals in the Western countries, right? From a very young age, my generation of Indian youngsters have been raised to believe that the men and women of Western countries are shameless, wild people, running around fucking anything that comes in their way. Granted, they do have a very laid back attitude to sex. But in our eyes, they are promiscuous, perpetually horny people with no modesty or family values. Whereas in India, we pride ourselves on our modesty. Virginity is considered sanctimonious and holy especially when it comes to girls. But in western countries, women are not judged based on whether or not they’re virgins. They are not expected to give up their careers when they get married. So, they have achieved equality, right? I don’t think so. Sometimes I find it hard to believe the amount of hatred shown by these “Western” men towards women on the Internet. Some of their opinions make them sound like they came right from cave men times.

But let’s go back to talking about equality in India. In India, women are still expected to cook and clean and wash clothes even though we get the same education as men, the same wages as men and work at the office for the same hours everyday as men.

When I was fourteen, we had guests over at our house one day. When it was time for lunch to be served, my mother called me up and asked me to set the table. I had been watching something on the computer with my brother. I remember whining about why my brother got to keep watching the movie, but I had to do chores. My mother always asked me to do these household chores like folding clothes, serving food to people and washing dishes. It always bugged me when she didn’t ask my brother to do anything. These may seem like harmless examples, but they matter. Equality begins at home. It begins with what we teach our sons and daughters.

Women were once full-time housewives. It made sense for them to take care of all household chores. But now, most of us have jobs, but still we are expected to slave away at home. I know for a fact that many of my lady co-workers wake up several hours before their husbands do, just so they could serve coffee and breakfast to him in the morning. When will men stop feeling so entitled?

And speaking of entitled men, I have never seen my father do one household chore in my entire life. Lunch  or dinner? Someone has to serve him food. Even if it is just reheating food in the microwave, he has someone else do it for him. And after the meal, he doesn’t even pick up his dirty dishes from the table, let alone wash them. Someone else has to do it for him. But the worst part is that my mother cleans up after my father with no complaints. It doesn’t occur to her that it is not normal to act this way. My father drops his dirty clothes on the floor and my mother picks them up and washes them. He litters the floor with trash and my mother cleans it up. My mother is like a servant in our house. Is this what I’m supposed to celebrate on Women’s Day?

Forget about the countless rape cases happening across India. What about treating women with respect and dignity at home? Stop looking at women as second-class citizens and the rapes and sexual assaults will definitely take a downturn.

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Do Indian Girls Play Air Guitar?

WARNING: This posts includes discussion of sex and masturbation. For those who claim to be easily offended by such things, I would tell you to not read this, but let’s face it. I know you want to read it and I know you’re going to, you lying hypocrite.

So, I was thinking about which euphemism for female masturbation I should use in the title and the only one I could come up with was “double clicking the mouse”. Yeah, I know. “American Pie?” Really? So, I did what anyone in my position would have done – I Googled “euphemisms for female masturbation”. And Google, my ever so trusty friend, didn’t fail me. Hidden amongst the many ludicrous ones, there were some truly funny ones like “buffing the bonnet”, “flicking through the furry purse”, “exploring the cave of infinite wisdom”,  “fingering the culprit”, “sitting on the washing machine”, “beating around the bush”, “scratching where it itches”, “the magical disappearing finger trick” and some which appealed to the geek in me like “going hands-solo” and “getting chummy with dildo baggins”. There were some which applied to both men and women like “getting to know yourself”, “having sex with someone you love” and “taking advantage of yourself” and even one hilariously irreverent one – “parting the Red Sea”. But I went with “playing air guitar” because, hey, it’s so funny I LOL-ed.

So, anyway. Yeah. Female masturbation. A topic I have never heard any Indian girl or guy discuss openly. Even I am not discussing it openly, am I? I’m hiding behind a frigging computer screen. But whatever. Maybe a day will come when I will finally grow some balls (figuratively, of course). In the meantime, allow me to hide behind my computer screen and tell you my feelings on sex/masturbation.

There are three reasons as to why I jerk off:

1. because I’m horny. And I’m especially horny around the time my monthly visitor comes a-knocking.

2. because I’m bored. This happens a lot.

3. because I’m stressed out or depressed. This happens whenever I have too much work on my hands or when I’m having an existential crisis.

And, jerking off cures me of my horniness, boredom, depression and stress every single time. So, why do some people frown upon something which, in my opinion, is doing what therapy and meds have failed to do?

First, there are religious reasons. I don’t know about Hinduism, but according to Christianity, jerking off is a sin. And Islam goes one step further and proclaims that it is okay for dudes to wack off as long as they fantasize that they are doing it with slave girls and not respectable women, but it is NOT okay for girls to wack off at all. I’m not an expert on the Koran or anything, but I read about this on some Islamic Q&A website some time back and I’m too lazy to dig the page up.

I think this would be the right time for me to divulge a secret.

Psst, hey you, come here! I’m a Muslim!

At least, I was born a Muslim. I’m not a practicing Muslim. Therefore, I have no religious qualms about jerking off.

Then, there are cultural reasons. We live in a country where a woman’s virginity is believed by both sexes to be the highest virtue she possesses; where a woman’s goodness is determined more by how unused her vagina is and less by how kind or intelligent she is. Women are expected to shy away from the topic of sex. Women are expected to be coy. Women who are open about their sexuality are labelled as shameless.

Don’t tell me this isn’t true because this happened to me. In college, one of the girls in my class called me shameless because I discussed sex with my best friend. I had a friend in high school who didn’t like to look at her own naked body. She was shocked when I told her I had fifteen moles on various parts of my body.
Would such girls be okay with touching themselves? I doubt it. If you’re an Indian girl who buffs her bonnet, I salute you, ma’am.
Is it so unthinkable for a girl to want to have sex? I mean, just because our privates aren’t external doesn’t mean we don’t get horny.
Yeah, I’m still a virgin. But at this point, I’m so sick of all this that my virginity feels more like a burden than a gift. I don’t want to marry while I’m still a virgin. And right now, I’m not even holding out for an awesome guy to have sex with. I just want a guy I’m attracted to, a non-creepy kind of guy who wouldn’t post a video of our tryst for all the Internet population to see. I haven’t met such a guy yet, but when I do, I’m jumping his bones.
Until then, I’ll be playing air guitar on my own.
(And if this post is incoherent or has spelling or grammar errors, I apologize. This was an unpremeditated post of passion.)